I'M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M BACK!!!!!

I've been off the blog.  Now I'm on it again.  The hurricane, the election, all the myriad events of my life up to and including my first wedding anniversary have distracted me from setting pen to paper. 

So what to write about?  What's really important to me, the creative process.

I'm nothing without the time and space to make theater.  I don't feel good about myself unless I am working on a project or planning the next one.  I've long since given up any hope of getting a "normal" job or a secure career (although my stagehand work is stable and both pays the bills and prepares for the future).  There is something about the theater-making experience that stabilizes me and focuses my energies that is unlike anything else I've found in my life.

Part of that inner clarity and connection comes from the fact that I've trained my entire life to make working in theater my natural state, first as an actor, then a stage manager and stagehand, and now as a director.  In some ways I am most at home in a rehearsal hall.  The act of watching a play come to life is still completely astonishing to me.

What do I make of it?  Nothing.  I just have to continue.  Sometimes, it's not good to think too much about yourself.  I'm blessed these days to be worrying about others more and me less.  I guess that comes with confidence and maturity.  At least I hope that's why.

Now for the shameless plug part.  Please visit my new website http://www.alexandercarney.com which was put together by my friend Ceilon Aspensen, who operates the web development firm http://coderustlers.com/  Ceilon is the bomb and her work is tremendous.

There's No Business Like Show Business Like No Business I Know

I'm a lucky guy. 

I work in show biz!!!!

"There's no business like no business like show business like no business I know.
Everything about it is appealing!
Everything about it is a show!"

I spent my day today putting together scenery, assembling props, and generally being useful at 30 Rock for NBC, primarily for Saturday Night Live.  I watched Kelly Clarkson soundcheck her spot on SNL ---- and I got paid for it. 

I often think about how hard I've worked to get here.  You know, it's been worth it and I would do it again in a minute.  I have no regrets.

But I know what prices I've paid...

I work when there's work, as many hours as I'm called to do.  

I go through periods of unemployment, simply because that is the nature of the business.  Feast or famine.

But I get to be involved in the world I dreamed about when I was a kid.  And I like it that way.

Sure, I do other things --- but all of them are in the business of show.. 

I direct (whenever I can), I act (rarely) and I write (more and more).  I teach (acting)

I also exercise daily ---- which I love intensely. 

But ONLY when I am working in show business do I feel that I am useful --- and it's been that way since I was 13, from the day I decided I would get involved with this world of work I love so much..

If you feel the way I do, you will find your way into the artform.  I guarantee  it.  Your life might not look like the one you fantasized about when you were a kid but you will find your way.  (Lord knows, mine is nothing like what I intended --- but it's a good life and I am proud of having come as far as I have).

Part of why I enjoy my life now is that I worked very hard when I was younger to prepare myself for this time of my life.  I know how to do the things I wanted to do; act, direct, teach.  Granted, everything is an evolving process ---- but I put in the hours, days, weeks, years to earn my place at the table.

New Beginnings...

Who else to welcome in the New Year?

I took a prolonged break from this blog.  I felt overwhelmed by the technology, the concept of social networking, and while I was going through the process of getting married I didn't want to share my thoughts and feelings across the web.  I actually do believe some things are private, such as ones home life.

I am back.





For the coming year I have several resolutions:

1. To teach acting
2. To live simply
3. To save money
4. To exercise consistently

Beyond these simple goals (which in private I have concretized --- because without specifics, there can be no success).

I will writing here about my personal journey as both a person and an artist....two roads that are inseparable.  I welcome your comments and feedback.  Let's build a community of like-minded people, dedicated to living well and making beautiful things.

MY MOM IS READING MY BLOG

The other night, my Mom and I were chatting on the phone. We talked of many things (there's a lot going on right now) and then, just parenthetically, she said "oh yes, and I'm reading your blog".

I felt like I'd been caught with my pants down.

My MOM was reading my blog. Not some complete stranger in Timbuktu but my MOTHER, who birthed me, who probably knows most of this stuff anyway, if not consciously then just below the surface of cognition. It's really silly if you think about it. I am more concerned about my mother reading these basically inane, self-involved ramblings than complete strangers who I have no connection to at all.

I started to think about this a bit further. WHY was I so caught out? The more I thought, the less of an answer I have. I am fairly private about matters that effect others in my life so it's not as if I'm telling tales out of school about my family all over the internet.

I guess I'm just surprised, that's all ---- not that that emotion makes any sense either; my mother is a bright, inquisitive woman whose interests range widely. And because I'm her son, she follows my meandering on the internet fairly closely.

This blog is really just a shout out to my Mom, my biggest fan. I love you Mom, read away.

The Body Never Lies...

The body never lies.

We sweat. We fart. We shake. We orgasm. The bile rises in our mouths. We cry and we smile.

The only way we can miss the truth of our humanity is to ignore what is right in front of our face. What is called "non-verbal communication" is really just paying attention to what's before you.

When I think over all the relationships I've had in my life, both physical and not I'm struck by the fact that the most successful ones all started from me looking the other person dead in the eyes and telling the truth about what I saw --- and them telling me the truth right back.

I mean, we're basically animals, right? Aren't we?

Well, not exactly I think.
After all, success comes from telling the truth. An animal can't lie. Only humans have that special skill. Sure, an animal can stalk or lie in wait --- but it can't lie. Not like a person. Tell you one thing but do another.

I once had a woman in my life who said she loved me. She was distant, cold, and rude. She didn't laugh at my jokes. She winced at how loud I was. After the initial attraction faded, she was repulsed by my smell and I was infuriated by her manner. We both lied to each other that we had a future together --- but our bodies t0ld the truth. We weren't meant for each other, more than that we probably wanted to hurt each other.

My big take-away from this five year matriculation in the school of the blind is that I have to follow my gut and that I accomplish that by looking at what's in front of my face and checking in with myself about what I see.

So I say follow your gut. Don't waste five years of your life like I did trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.

Caring for Self

I find taking care of myself an endless challenge. I break down almost constantly, in little ways that annoy me no end. The bursitis in the foot, teeth need to be cleaned, I gain weight I never intended to put on, I need new eyeglasses. All of it needs attention. The list of self-care necessities just goes on and on ---- and I know from watching those ahead of me age that it is absolutely necessary to do these things every day or it will come back to bite you in the ass later in life.

So what do I do?

I do it all. Not perfectly, not 100% consistently but to the best of my ability one day at a time (to use an old saw).

Study

"Oh this learning, what a thing it is!"
Gremio, Act I scene 2



At each juncture in my life, study has made a huge difference to me. In my time, I've been both a student and a teacher. When I was a boy I knew it was my job to study as hard as I could, not to be good but to further myself and my abilities. In early twenties, I lost that clarity of why one should be a good student but I can honestly say I have regained my focus over the last ten years or so.

In my early 40's I finished my B.A. and got two masters degrees, largely focused on the world of classical theater and Elizabethan and Renaissance literature.

I've spent this last period of my life delving into Shakespeare.

I've learned to study his work from both an emotional and mechanical point of view. I learned the difference between a trochee and a spondee, how Billy-boy used metaphor, simile, and rhetoric to make his thunder. I find that the words of this dead white man speak to me in a way I never anticipated. I'm not sure my thoughts about Shakespeare are original, but I do know that the process of my having those thoughts feels essential to my being.

I am also attracted to the world of Shakespearean performance because of the process of STUDY. I believe there is a time and place for everything. There've been times in my life when study and reflection were not important to me. It was of primary importance at those points in my development for me to do.

When one works with Shakespearean text, either as an actor or a director, one must study it ---- but not as a scholar. You have to find a key, a way into the material that isn't intellectual or "up in the head". This process uses the head, the heart, and the gut. One learns to take what one reads into the body and make it beat in your heart...

This work somehow seems vital to my being. I'm not sure why, but I must memorize Shakespeare text on a regular basis simply to feel good. And therefore I do it.

It's my experience that most thoughtful people have something they love so much they are willing to give it their attention, their study. What's yours?

Death, Attitude, and LIfe

When you've got to go, you've got to go....

I've been thinking about death. Alot.

I think this comes from getting on the dark side of 40. My parents are aging, all around me senseless events seems to invade the lives of many people whom I care about. Death, violence, accident. Sometimes people die from these events, sometimes not. Always I feel the brush of what's coming.

While I can't control death, I can control my attitude toward it.

When I was a little boy, I was afraid of death. Like many children, I was afraid of the dark and all that it implies. I outgrew that point of view when I understood that the world existed beyond me, that everything I see is real, not simply a stage set constructed for my pleasure and edification. Since then, while not exactly happy about the idea of death --- I want to be here a good long time; there's great stuff to do; barbecues, sex, sunsets, hanging out with my nieces, music, theater, the list is endless --- I somehow have come to understand that my ceasing to exist as I am is not a tragedy of epic proportions.

I've come to feel that death is a process to be faced with humanity and compassion. I need, for my self-respect and the comfort of those I love, to be brave as I approach the dark.

I also know from my minimal dealings with the dying that there comes a point when the soul lets go. I saw it with my grandmother. I remember the moment; she chose to leave, to let go. Where she went is, your guess is as good as mine.

I once had a friend (who is now dead and gone) who said "life is for the living". I try to stick to this maxim to the best of my ability. I feel I didn't begin to fully live until I hit my early 40's. It feels of critical importance to me that I love the remaining time I have left. Since what comes next is a mystery, I stay focused on the now.

None of these thoughts are new to me. What is so striking to me is how similar all our thoughts are when we are faced with the ultimate unknown, "the undiscovered country" to coin a phrase.